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“How to Tell a True War
Story” (1990)
Tim O’Brien
from Paula Geyh, et al., eds., Postmodern
American Fiction: A Norton
Anthology (New York: W. W. Norton, 1998), 174-183.
This is true.
I had a buddy in Vietnam. His name was Bob Kiley
but everybody called him Rat.
A friend of his gets killed, so about a week later Rat sits down and writes a
letter to the
guy’s sister. Rat tells her what a great brother she had, how strack the guy was, a number one pal
and comrade. A real soldier’s soldier, Rat says. Then he tells a few stories
to make the point, how
her brother would always volunteer for stuff nobody else would volunteer for
in a million years,
dangerous stuff, like doing recon or going out on these really badass night
patrols. Stainless steel
balls, Rat tells her. The guy was a little crazy, for sure, but crazy in a
good way, a real daredevil,
because he liked the challenge of it, he liked testing himself, just man
against gook. A great,
great guy, Rat says.
Anyway, it’s a terrific letter, very personal and touching. Rat almost bawls
writing it. He
gets all teary telling about the good times they had together, how her
brother made the war seem
almost fun, always raising hell and lighting up villes
and bringing smoke to bear every which
way. A great sense of humor, too. Like the time at this river when he went
fishing with a whole
damn crate of hand grenades. Probably the funniest thing in world history,
Rat says, all that gore,
about twenty zillion dead gook fish. Her brother, he had the right attitude.
He knew how to have
a good time. On Halloween, this real hot spooky night, the dude paints up his
body all different
colors and puts on this weird mask and goes out on ambush almost stark naked,
just boots and
balls and an M-16. A tremendous human being, Rat says. Pretty nutso sometimes, but you could
trust him with your life.
And then the letter gets very sad and serious. Rat pours his heart out. He
says he loved the
guy. He says the guy was his best friend in the world. They were like soul
mates, he says, like
twins or something, they had a whole lot in common. He tells the guy’s sister
he’ll look her up
when the war’s over.
So what happens?
Rat mails the letter. He waits two months. The dumb cooze
never writes back.
*
A true war story is never moral. It does not instruct, nor encourage
virtue, nor suggest
models of proper human behavior, nor restrain men from doing the things they
have always done.
If a story seems moral, do not believe it. If at the end of a war story you
feel uplifted, or if you
feel that some small bit of rectitude has been salvaged from the larger
waste, then you have been
made the victim of a very old and terrible lie. There is no rectitude
whatsoever. There is no
virtue. As a first rule of thumb, therefore, you can tell a true war story by
its absolute and
uncompromising allegiance to obscenity and evil. Listen to Rat Kiley. Cooze, he says. He does
not say bitch. He certainly does not say woman, or girl, He says cooze. Then he spits and stares.
He’s nineteen years old—it’s too much for him—so he looks at you with those
big gentle, killer
eyes and says cooze, because his friend is
dead, and because it’s so incredibly sad and true: she
never wrote back.
You can tell a true war story if it embarrasses you. If you don’t care for
obscenity, you
don’t care for the truth; if you don’t care for the truth, watch how you
vote. Send guys to war,
they come home talking dirty.
Listen to Rat: “Jesus Christ, man, I write this beautiful fucking letter, I
slave over it, and
what happens? The dumb cooze never writes back.”
*
The dead guy’s name was Curt Lemon. What happened was, we crossed a muddy
river
and marched west into the mountains, and on the third day we took a break
along a trail junction
in deep jungle. Right away, Lemon and Rat Kiley
started goofing off. They didn’t understand
about the spookiness. They were kids; they just didn’t know. A nature hike,
they thought, not
even a war, so they went off into the shade of some giant trees—quadruple
canopy, no sunlight at
all—and they were giggling and calling each other motherfucker and playing a
silly game they’d
invented. The game involved smoke grenades, which were harmless unless you
did stupid things,
and what they did was pull out the pin and stand a few feet apart and play
catch under the shade
of those huge trees. Whoever chickened out was a motherfucker. And if nobody
chickened out,
the grenade would make a light popping sound and they’d be covered with smoke
and they’d
laugh and dance around and then do it again.
It’s all exactly true.
It happened to me, nearly twenty years ago, but I still remember
that trail junction and the giant
trees and a soft dripping sound somewhere beyond the trees. I remember the
smell of moss. Up in
the canopy there were tiny white blossoms, but no sunlight at all, and I
remember the shadows
spreading out under the trees where Lemon and Rat Kiley
were playing catch with smoke
grenades. Mitchell Sanders sat flipping his yo-yo. Norman Bowker
and Kiowa and Dave Jensen
were dozing, or half-dozing, and all around us were
those ragged green mountains.
Except for the laughter things were quiet.
At one point, I remember, Mitchell Sanders turned and looked at me, not quite
nodding, as if to warn
me about something, as if he already knew, then after a while he
rolled up his yo-yo and moved away.
It’s hard to tell what happened next.
They were just goofing. There was a noise, I suppose, which must’ve been the
detonator,
so I glanced behind me and watched Lemon step from the shade into bright
sunlight. His face
was suddenly brown and shining. A handsome kid, really. Sharp gray eyes, lean
and narrow-waisted,
and when he died it was almost beautiful, the way the sunlight came around
him and
lifted him up and sucked him high into a tree full of moss and vines and
white blossoms.
*
In any war story, but especially a true one, it’s difficult to separate
what happened from
what seemed to happen. What seems to happen becomes its own happening and has
to be told
that way. The angles of vision are skewed. When a booby trap explodes, you
close your eyes and
duck and float outside yourself. When a guy dies, like Lemon, you look away
and then look back
for a moment and then look away again. The pictures get jumbled; you tend to
miss a lot. And
then afterward, when you go to tell about it, there is always that surreal seemingness, which
makes the story seem untrue, but which in fact represents the hard and exact
truth as it seemed.
In many cases a true war story cannot be believed. If you believe it, be
skeptical. It’s a
question of credibility. Often the crazy stuff is true and the normal stuff
isn’t because the normal
stuff is necessary to make you believe the truly incredible craziness.
In other cases you can’t even tell a true war story. Sometimes it’s just
beyond telling.
I heard this one, for example, from Mitchell Sanders. It was near dusk and we
were sitting
at my foxhole along a wide, muddy river north of Quang
Ngai. I remember how peaceful the
twilight was. A deep pinkish red spilled out on the river, which moved
without sound, and in the
morning we would cross the river and march west into the mountains. The
occasion was right for
a good story.
“God’s truth,” Mitchell Sanders said. “A six-man patrol goes up into the
mountains on a
basic listening-post operation. The idea’s to spend a week up there, just lie
low and listen for
enemy movement. They’ve got a radio along, so if they hear anything
suspicious—anything—
they’re supposed to call in artillery or gunships, whatever it takes.
Otherwise they keep strict
field discipline. Absolute silence. They just listen.”
He glanced at me to make sure I had the scenario. He was playing with his
yo-yo, making
it dance with short, tight little strokes of the wrist.
His face was blank in the dusk.
“We’re talking hardass LP. These six guys, they
don’t say boo for a solid week. They
don’t got tongues. All ears.”
“Right,” I said.
“Understand me?”
“Invisible.”
Sanders nodded.
“Affirm,” he said. “Invisible. So what happens is, these guys get themselves
deep in the
bush, all camouflaged up, and they lie down and wait and that’s all they do,
nothing else, they lie
there for seven straight days and just listen. And man, I’ll tell you—it’s
spooky. This is
mountains. You don’t know spooky till you been there. Jungle, sort
of, except it’s way up in the
clouds and there’s always this fog-like rain, except it’s not
raining—everything’s all wet and
swirly and tangled up and you can’t see jack, you can’t find your own pecker
to piss with. Like
you don’t even have a body. Serious spooky. You just go with the vapors—the
fog sort of takes
you in....And the sounds, man. The sounds carry forever. You hear shit nobody
should ever
hear.”
Sanders was quiet for a second, just working the yo-yo, then he smiled at me.
“So, after a
couple days the guys start hearing this real soft, kind of wacked-out music.
Weird echoes and
stuff. Like a radio or something, but its not a
radio, it’s this strange gook music that comes right
out of the rocks. Faraway, sort of, but right up close, too. They try to
ignore it. But it’s a listening
post, right? So they listen. And every night they keep hearing this crazyass gook concert. All
kinds of chimes and xylophones. I mean, this is wilderness—no way, it can’t
be real—but there it
is, like the mountains are tuned in to Radio Fucking Hanoi.
Naturally they get nervous. One guy
sticks Juicy Fruit in his ears. Another guy almost flips. Thing is, though,
they can’t report music.
They can’t get on the horn and call back to base and say, ‘Hey, listen, we
need some firepower,
we got to blow away this weirdo gook rock band.’ They can’t do that. It
wouldn’t go down. So
they lie there in the fog and keep their months
shut. And what makes it extra bad, see, is the poor
dudes can’t horse around like normal. Can’t joke it away. Can’t even talk to
each other except
maybe in whispers, all hush-hush, and that just revs up the willies. All they
do is listen.”
Again there was some silence as Mitchell Sanders looked out on the river. The
dark was
coming on hard now, and off to the west I could see the mountains rising in
silhouette, all the
mysteries and unknowns.
“This next part,” Sanders said quietly, “you won’t believe.”
“Probably not,” I said.
“You won’t. And you know why?” He gave me a long, tired smile. “Because it
happened. Because
every word is absolutely dead-on true.”
Sanders made a little sound in his throat, like a sigh, as if to say he
didn’t care if I
believed it or not. But he did care. He wanted me to believe, I could tell.
He seemed sad, in a
way.
“These six guys, they’re pretty fried out by now, and one night they start
hearing voices.
Like at a cocktail party. That’s what it sounds like, this big swank gook
cocktail party somewhere
out there in the fog. Music and chitchat and stuff. It’s crazy, I know, but
they hear the champagne
corks. They hear the actual martini glasses. Real hoity-toity, all very
civilized, except this isn’t
civilization. This is Nam.
“Anyway, the guys try to be cool. They just lie there and groove, but after a
while they
start hearing—you won’t believe this—they hear chamber music. They hear
violins and shit.
They hear this terrific mama-san soprano. Then after a while they hear gook
opera and a glee
club and the Haiphong Boys Choir and a barbershop quartet and all kinds of
weird chanting and
Buddha-Buddha stuff. The whole time, in the background, there’s still that
cocktail party going
on. All these different voices. Not human voices, though. Because it’s the
mountains. Follow
me? The rock—it’s talking. And the fog, too, and the grass and the
goddamn mongooses.
Everything talks. The trees talk politics, the monkeys talk religion. The
whole country. Vietnam,
the place talks. It talks. Understand? Nam—it truly talks.
“The guys can’t cope. They lose it. They get on the radio and report enemy
movement—a
whole army, they say—and they order up the firepower. They get arty and
gunships. They call in
air strikes. And I’ll tell you, they fuckin’ crash
that cocktail party. All night long, they just smoke
those mountains. They make jungle juice. They blow away trees and glee clubs
and whatever else
there is to blow away. Scorch time. They walk napalm up and down the ridges.
They bring in the
Cobras and F-4s, they use Willie Peter and HE and incendiaries. It’s all
fire. They make those
mountains burn.
“Around dawn things finally get quiet. Like you never even heard
quiet before. One of
those real thick, real misty days—just clouds and fog, they’re off in this
special zone—and the
mountains are absolutely dead-flat silent. Like Brigadoon—pure vapor, you
know? Everything’s
all sucked up inside the fog. Not a single sound, except they still hear
it.
“So they pack up and start humping. They head down the mountain, back to base
camp,
and when they get there they don’t say diddly. They
don’t talk. Not a word, like they’re deaf and
dumb. Later on this fat bird colonel comes up and asks what the hell happened
out there. What’d
they hear? Why all the ordnance? The man’s ragged out, he gets down tight on
their case. I mean,
they spent six trillion dollars on firepower, and this fatass
colonel wants answers, he wants to
know what the fuckin’ story is.
“But the guys don’t say zip. They just look at him for a while, sort of funnylike, sort of
amazed, and the whole war is right there in that stare. It says everything
you can’t ever say. It
says, man, you got wax in your ears. It says, poor bastard, you’ll never
know—wrong
frequency—you don’t even want to hear this. Then they salute the fucker and
walk away, because
certain stories you don’t ever tell.”
*
You can tell a true war story by the way it never seems to end. Not then,
not ever. Not
when Mitchell Sanders stood up and moved off into the dark.
It all happened.
Even now I remember that yo-yo. In a way, I suppose, you had to be there, you
had to
hear it, but I could tell how desperately Sanders wanted me to believe him,
his frustration at not
quite getting the details right, not quite pinning down the final and
definitive truth.
And I remember sitting at my foxhole that night, watching the shadows of Quang Ngai,
thinking about the coming day and how we would cross the river and march west
into the
mountains, all the ways I might die, all the things I did not understand.
Late in the night Mitchell Sanders touched my shoulder.
“Just came to me,” he whispered. “The moral, I mean. Nobody listens. Nobody
hears
nothing. Like that fatass colonel. The politicians,
all the civilian types, what they need is to go
out on LP. The vapors, man. Trees and rocks—you got to listen to your
enemy.”
*
And then again, in the morning, Sanders came up to me. The platoon was
preparing to
move out, checking weapons, going through all the little rituals that
preceded a day’s march.
Already the lead squad had crossed the river and was filing off toward the
west.
“I got a confession to make,” Sanders said. “Last night, man, I had to make
up a few
things.”
“I know that.”
“The glee club. There wasn’t any glee club.”
“Right.”
“No opera.”
“Forget it, I understand.”
“Yeah, but listen, it’s still true. Those six guys, they heard wicked sound
out there. They
heard sound you just plain won’t believe.”
Sanders pulled on his rucksack, closed his eyes for a moment, then almost
smiled at me.
I knew what was coming.
“All right,” I said, “what’s the moral?”
“Forget it.”
“No, go ahead.”
For a long while he was quiet, looking away, and the silence kept stretching
out until it
was almost embarrassing. Then he shrugged and gave me a stare that lasted all
day.
“Hear that quiet, man?” he said. “There’s your moral.”
*
In a true war story, if there’s a moral at all, it’s like the thread that
makes the cloth. You
can’t tease it out. You can’t extract the meaning without unraveling the
deeper meaning. And in
the end, really, there’s nothing much to say about a true war story, except
maybe “Oh.”
True war stories do not generalize. They do not indulge in abstraction or
analysis.
For example: War is hell. As a moral declaration the old truism seems
perfectly true, and
yet because it abstracts, because it generalizes, I can’t believe it with my
stomach. Nothing turns
inside.
It comes down to gut instinct. A true war story, if truly told, makes the
stomach believe.
This one does it for me. I’ve told it before—many times, many versions—but
here’s what
actually happened.
We crossed the river and marched west into the mountains. On the third day,
Curt Lemon
stepped on a booby-trapped 105 round. He was playing catch with Rat Kiley, laughing, and then
he was dead. The trees were thick; it took nearly an hour to cut an LZ for
the dustoff.
Later, higher in the mountains, we came across a baby VC water buffalo. What
it was
doing there I don’t know—no farms or paddies—but we chased it down and got a
rope around it
and led it along to a deserted village where we set for the night. After
supper Rat Kiley went over
and stroked its nose.
He opened up a can of C rations, pork and beans, but the baby buffalo wasn’t
interested.
Rat shrugged.
He stepped back and shot it through the right front knee. The animal did not
make a
sound. It went down hard, then got up again, and Rat took careful aim and
shot off an ear. He
shot it in the hindquarters and in the little hump at its back. He shot it
twice in the flanks. It
wasn’t to kill; it was just to hurt. He put the rifle muzzle up against the
mouth and shot the mouth
away. Nobody said much. The whole platoon stood there watching, feeling all
kinds of things,
but there wasn’t a great deal of pity for the baby water buffalo. Lemon was
dead. Rat Kiley had
lost his best friend in the world. Later in the week he would write a long
personal letter to the
guy’s sister, who would not write back, but for now it was a question of
pain. He shot off the tail.
He shot away chunks of meat below the ribs. All around us there was the smell
of smoke and
filth, and deep greenery, and the evening was humid and very hot. Rat went to
automatic. He shot
randomly, almost casually, quick little spurts in the belly and butt. Then he
reloaded, squatted
down, and shot it in the left front knee. Again the animal fell hard and
tried to get up, but this
time it couldn’t quite make it. It wobbled and went down sideways. Rat shot
it in the nose. He
bent forward and whispered something, as if talking to a pet, then he shot it
in the throat. All the
while the baby buffalo was silent, or almost silent, just a light bubbling
sound where the nose had
been. It lay very still. Nothing moved except the eyes, which were enormous,
the pupils shiny
black and dumb.
Rat Kiley was crying. He tried to say something,
but then cradled his rifle and went off by
himself.
The rest of us stood in a ragged circle around the baby buffalo. For a time
no one spoke.
We had witnessed something essential, something brand-new and profound, a
piece of the world
so startling there was not yet a name for it.
Somebody kicked the baby buffalo.
It was still alive, though just barely, just in the eyes.
“Amazing,” Dave Jensen said. “My whole life, I never seen anything like it.”
“Never?”
“Not hardly. Not once.”
Kiowa and Mitchell Sanders picked up the baby buffalo. They hauled it across
the open
square, hoisted it up, and dumped it in the village well.
Afterward, we sat waiting for Rat to get himself together.
“Amazing,” Dave Jensen kept saying.
“For sure.”
“A new wrinkle. I never seen it before.”
Mitchell Sanders took out his yo-yo. “‘Well, that’s Nam,” he said, “Garden of
Evil. Over here, man,
every sin’s real fresh and original.”
*
How do you generalize?
War is hell, but that’s not the half of it, because war is also mystery and
terror and
adventure and courage and discovery and holiness and pity and despair and
longing and love.
War is nasty; war is fun. War is thrilling; war is drudgery. War makes you a
man; war makes you
dead.
The truths are contradictory. It can be argued, for instance, that war is
grotesque. But in
truth war is also beauty. For all its horror, you can’t help but gape at the
awful majesty of combat.
You stare out at tracer rounds unwinding through the dark like brilliant red
ribbons. You crouch
in ambush as a cool, impassive moon rises over the nighttime paddies. You
admire the fluid
symmetries of troops on the move, the harmonies of sound and shape and
proportion, the great
sheets of metal-fire streaming down from a gunship, the illumination rounds,
the white
phosphorous, the purply black glow of napalm, the
rocket’s red glare. It’s not pretty, exactly. It’s
astonishing. It fills the eye. It commands you. You hate it, yes, but your
eyes do not. Like a killer
forest fire, like cancer under a microscope, any battle or bombing raid or
artillery barrage has the
aesthetic purity of absolute moral indifference—a powerful, implacable
beauty—and a true war
story will tell the truth about this, though the truth is ugly.
To generalize about war is like generalizing about peace. Almost everything
is true.
Almost nothing is true. At its core, perhaps, war is just another name for
death, and yet any
soldier will tell you, if he tells the truth, that proximity to death brings
with it a corresponding
proximity to life. After a fire fight, there is always the immense pleasure
of aliveness. The trees
are alive. The grass, the soil—everything. All around you things are purely
living, and you
among them, and the aliveness makes you tremble. You feel an intense,
out-of-the-skin
awareness of your living self—your truest self, the human being you want to
be and then become
by the force of wanting it. In the midst of evil you want to be a good man.
You want decency.
You want justice and courtesy and human concord, things you never knew you
wanted. There is a
kind of largeness to it; a kind of godliness. Though it’s odd, you’re never
more alive than when
you’re almost dead. You recognize what’s valuable. Freshly, as if for the
first time, you love
what’s best in yourself and in the world, all that might be lost. At the hour
of dusk you sit at your
foxhole and look out on a wide river turning pinkish red, and at the
mountains beyond, and
although in the morning you must cross the river and go into the mountains
and do terrible things
and maybe die, even so, you find yourself studying the fine colors on the
river, you feel wonder
and awe at the setting of the sun, and you are filled with a hard, aching
love for how the world
could be and always should be, but now is not.
Mitchell Sanders was right. For the common soldier, at least, war has the
feel—the
spiritual texture—of a great ghostly fog, thick and permanent. There is no
clarity. Everything
swirls. The old rules are no longer binding, the old truths no longer true.
Right spills over into
wrong. Order blends into chaos, love into hate, ugliness into beauty, law
into anarchy, civility
into savagery. The vapors suck you in. You can’t tell where you are, or why
you’re there, and the
only certainty is absolute ambiguity.
In war you lose your sense of the definite, hence your sense of truth itself,
and therefore
it’s safe to say that in a true war story nothing much is ever very true.
*
Often in a true war story there is not even a point, or else the point
doesn’t hit you until
twenty years later, in your sleep, and you wake up and shake your wife and
start telling the story
to her, except when you get to the end you’ve forgotten the point again. And
then for a long time
you lie there watching the story happen in your head. You listen to your
wife’s breathing. The
war’s over. You close your eyes. You smile and think, Christ, what’s the
point?
*
This one wakes me up.
In the mountains that day, I watched Lemon turn sideways. He laughed and said
something to Rat Kiley. Then he took a peculiar
half step, moving from shade into bright
sunlight, and the booby-trapped 105 round blew him into a tree. The parts
were just hanging
there, so Norman Bowker and I were ordered to
shinny up and peel him off. I remember the
white bone of an arm. I remember pieces of skin and something wet and yellow
that must’ve
been the intestines. The gore was horrible, and stays with me, but what wakes
me up twenty years
later is Norman Bowker singing “Lemon Tree” as we
threw down the parts.
*
You can tell a true war story by the questions you ask. Somebody tells a
story, let’s say,
and afterward you ask, “Is it true?” and if the answer matters, you’ve got
your answer.
For example, we’ve all heard this one. Four guys go down a trail. A grenade
sails out.
One guy jumps on it and takes the blast and saves his three buddies.
Is it true?
The answer matters.
You’d feel cheated if it never happened. Without the grounding reality, it’s
just a trite bit
of puffery, pure Hollywood, untrue in the way all such stories are untrue.
Yet even if it did
happen—and maybe it did, anything’s possible—even then you know it can’t be
true, because a
true war story does not depend upon that kind of truth. Happeningness
is irrelevant. A thing may
happen and be a total lie; another thing may not happen and be truer than the
truth. For example:
Four guys go down a trail. A grenade sails out. One guy jumps on it and takes
the blast, but it’s a
killer grenade and everybody dies anyway. Before they die, though, one of the
dead guys says,
“The fuck you do that for?” and the jumper says, “Story of my life, man,” and
the other guy starts
to smile but he’s dead.
That’s a true story that never happened.
*
Twenty years later, I can still see the sunlight on Lemon’s face. I can
see him turning,
looking back at Rat Kiley, then he laughed and took
that curious half-step from shade into
sunlight, his face suddenly brown and shining, and when his foot touched
down, in that instant,
he must’ve thought it was the sunlight that was killing him. It was not the
sunlight. It was a
rigged 105 round. But if I could ever get the story right, how the sun seemed
to gather around
him and pick him up and lift him into a tree, if I could somehow recreate the
fatal whiteness of
that light, the quick glare, the obvious cause and effect, then you would
believe the last thing
Lemon believed, which for him must’ve been the final truth.
*
Now and then, when I tell this story, someone will come up to me afterward
and say she
liked it. It’s always a woman. Usually it’s an older woman of kindly
temperament and humane
politics. She’ll explain that as a rule she hates war stories, she can’t
understand why people want
to wallow in blood and gore. But this one she liked. Sometimes, even, there are
little tears. What
I should do, she’ll say, is put it all behind me. Find new stories to tell.
I won’t say it but I’ll think it.
I’ll picture Rat Kiley’s face, his grief, and I’ll
think, You dumb cooze.
Because she wasn’t listening.
It wasn’t a war story. It was a love story. It was a ghost
story.
But you can’t say that. All you can do is tell it one more time, patiently,
adding and
subtracting, making up a few things to get at the real truth. No Mitchell
Sanders, you tell her. No
Lemon, no Rat Kiley. And it didn’t happen in the
mountains, it happened in this little village on
the Batangan Peninsula, and it was raining like
crazy, and one night a guy named Stink Harris
woke up screaming with a leech on his tongue. You can tell a true war story
if you just keep on
telling it.
In the end, of course, a true war story is never about war. It’s about the
special way that
dawn spreads out on a river when you know you must cross the river and march
into the
mountains and do things you are afraid to do. It’s about love and memory.
It’s about sorrow. It’s
about sisters who never write back and people who never listen.
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