Four Styles of Communication

1) Passive: Involves violating your own rights by failing to express honest feelings, thoughts, and beliefs and consequently allowing others to also violate your rights: or expressing your thoughts and feelings in such an apologetic, timid manner that others can easily disregard them.

• Purpose:
  • To be liked and accepted by others. To avoid unpleasant and risky situations. Avoid confrontation and conflict with others.
• Characteristics:
  • Low self-esteem, dependent, submissive and overly compliant, pessimistic, depressed, feels anxious, helpless, and powerless; simmers with rage inside, tension headaches or psychosomatic complaints.
• Attitude:
  • I’m not okay, everyone else is.
• Interactions with others:
  • Puts oneself down. Allows others to choose for him/her to tell oneself what to do, but then resents them for it. Her/his ideas, opinions, or plans are easily influenced or changed by others. Gives in or withdraws when conflict arises. Waits to be noticed before he/she speaks up.
• Feelings provoked in others:
  • Pity, irritation, guilt, disgust, anger, frustration, disrespect.
• Consequences:
  • Doesn’t achieve desired goal or get needs and wants fulfilled.
• Verbal language:
  • Apologetic words. Hedging, rambling, disconnected, failure to come to a point or say what they really mean. At a loss for words.
• Body language:
  • A. Voice: Weak, hesitant, low, soft, sometimes wavering.
  • B. Eyes: Poor eye contact, eyes are averted, downcast, teary, pleading
  • C. Stance and posture: Stooped posture, nervous, distracting movements, excessive head nodding.
  • D. Hands: Fidgety, fluttery, clammy.

2) Aggressive: involves directly standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a way, which is emotionally honest, but usually inappropriate, and in violation of the rights of others.

• Purpose:
  • To dominate or win in every situation by humiliating, degrading, belittling or overpowering others. Express anger, bitterness, and resentment. Increase self-esteem by putting others down.
• Characteristics:
  • Rude, obnoxious, loud, boisterous, domineering, and superior. Over-reacts to situations with an outright attack.
• Attitude:
  • You’re not okay, Views oneself as superior.
• Interactions with others:
  • Puts down whomever she/he is talking to. Chooses for others regardless of their feelings.
• Feelings provoked in others:
  • Hurt, defensive, humiliated, angry, worthless, embarrassed, abused.
• Consequences:
  • Achieve desired goal at the expense of others. Alienates others, lack of close relationships.
• Verbal language:
  • Use of “you” statements. Accusations. Descriptive, subjective terms. Domineering and superior words.
• Body language:
  • A. Voice: Loud, shrill, cold, “deadly quiet”, demanding, authoritative, abusive.
  • B. Eyes: Expressionless, narrowed, cold, stare, glaring.
  • C. Stance and posture: Body is tense and erect. Stiff and rigid. Hands on hips, feet apart, arms crossed, commanding.
  • D. Hands: Fists clenched, finger pointing, fist pounding, abrupt gestures.

3) Passive-Aggressive: nvolves expressing your needs and feelings in an unclear and confusing manner

• Purpose:
  • Express oneself without having to state one’s feelings openly. Get what one wants.
• Characteristics:
  • Appears to be independent and in control of the situation.
• Attitude:
  • You’re not okay, but I’ll let you think that I think you are.
• Interactions with others:
  • Manipulates to get what he/she wants or show how she/he feels by pouting, playing the martyr, giving the silent treatment, withdrawing, procrastinating, making empty promises, playing helpless, etc.
• Feelings provoked in others:
  • Confusion, frustration, distrust, feeling of “being had” or taken advantage of.
• Consequences:
  • May achieve desired goal, but behavior reinforces feelings of low self-esteem. Unable to establish close relationships.
• Verbal language:
  • Insinuations, sarcasm, teasing, ridiculing, false praise.
• Body language:
  • A. Voice: Sarcastic tone, crying, whining, monotone, judgmental.
  • B. Eyes: Wandering, gaze, winking, mocking, inattentive.
  • C. Stance and posture: Impatient, fidgety, disapproving.
  • D. Hands: Limp, wavering, palms up in “who me” type gesture.

4) Assertive: Involves standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest, and appropriate ways which do not violate another person’s rights.

• Purpose:
  • To communicate ideas, feelings, and needs clearly without dominating, degrading or humiliating the other person.
• Characteristics:
  • Confident, independent, honest, open. Evaluates the situation before acting on it.
• Attitude:
  • I’m okay and you’re ok.
• Interactions with others:
  • Respects others with whom she/he is in contact with, not out to win every conversation, fair to one’s self and others, willing to make compromises.
• Feelings provoked in others:
  • Respected, valued.
• Consequences:
  • May achieve desired goal. Ability to establish good relationships with others. Continually gains in self-esteem and aids others to do likewise.
• Verbal language:
  • Use of “I” statements. Objective words. Direct statements, honest statements of feelings.
• Body language:
  • A. Voice: Conversational tone. Firm, relaxed, warm.
  • B. Eyes: Appropriate eye contact, open and attentive.
  • C. Stance and posture: Body is relaxed, straight stance, arms at sides.
  • D. Hands: Relaxed motions.
• Assertiveness Formula
  • I feel...
  • when you...
  • because...
  • I want/need...

Notes on Assertive Communication
From Assertiveness: Practical Skills for Positive Communication, by Sheila Hermes, M.Ed., L.A.C

• We are learning assertive communication skills for our benefit and not to change others.
• It’s our choice when and where to be assertive.
• If someone resists our assertiveness, we can avoid conflict by restating our assertiveness.
• We cannot control how others respond to what we have to say. What we can do is talk to others respectfully and with their feelings in mind.
• The assertiveness formula is a learning tool. As we become more skilled, we’ll find more personalized ways to use the “I” messages
• It’s common to feel like we’re being aggressive when learning assertiveness skills.
• When we learn how to be assertive, part of our discomfort may be related to messages that we heard growing up about how we should or should not communicate.
• We may use the last part of the assertiveness formula not only to identify our wants and needs but also to offer compromises and to set limits.